.
sometimes i feel confused. so confused and unaware of what i am meant to feel that i don't know what to do. i feel helpless. lost. upset. confused. confused. confused.
confused.
confused.
confused.
and sad.
i don't know why.
A sense of direction you may think might solve the issue? Have i lost sight of where i am heading? hmm.
A sense of direction, apparently, is meant to mean, well what i feel its meant to mean (to me) , is meant to make you feel uplifted, confident and happy? i may be wrong but all i know right now is that i'm feeling shit.
Each day here in Melbourne i 'think' i'm heading towards some day where i will say "cool, today is the day i have waited for. I have been here since July 13 and i have finally reached the point where i am satisfied and accepted the fact that i have 'no friends' or family here.'
This day probably won't come and thats because i have moved away from my 'friends and family'. So i need to make new ones right? duh. and how long will this take? what if they don't exist? what if i don't like anyone - what if they don't like me? what if i am left alone and i have no option but to hang with people that don't fulfil me and me to them?
I think about these issues daily but have made zero attempts to confront them therefore they mustn't be one. Why? Because i moved away for a reason.
what fucking reason....
The way i feel right now is how i believe i will feel for a long time.
what will get rid of this feeling and repetitive question?.. because it will most likely help me solve this apparent unsolvable answer.
a high paying full time job with great people?
cool friends?
family and friends to move here?
money to help fund new experiences?
who knows. but these are my reoccurring thoughts and questions.
All i know is that i set out to have something different and achieve something more than what i had. if i turn back it won't be because i failed but because i have explored every avenue possible that could potentially make me happy and i have accepted that they won't.
i have tears running down my face and i still feel confused.
