.
sometimes i feel confused. so confused and unaware of what i am meant to feel that i don't know what to do. i feel helpless. lost. upset. confused. confused. confused.
confused.
confused.
confused.
and sad.
i don't know why.
A sense of direction you may think might solve the issue? Have i lost sight of where i am heading? hmm.
A sense of direction, apparently, is meant to mean, well what i feel its meant to mean (to me) , is meant to make you feel uplifted, confident and happy? i may be wrong but all i know right now is that i'm feeling shit.
Each day here in Melbourne i 'think' i'm heading towards some day where i will say "cool, today is the day i have waited for. I have been here since July 13 and i have finally reached the point where i am satisfied and accepted the fact that i have 'no friends' or family here.'
This day probably won't come and thats because i have moved away from my 'friends and family'. So i need to make new ones right? duh. and how long will this take? what if they don't exist? what if i don't like anyone - what if they don't like me? what if i am left alone and i have no option but to hang with people that don't fulfil me and me to them?
I think about these issues daily but have made zero attempts to confront them therefore they mustn't be one. Why? Because i moved away for a reason.
what fucking reason....
The way i feel right now is how i believe i will feel for a long time.
what will get rid of this feeling and repetitive question?.. because it will most likely help me solve this apparent unsolvable answer.
a high paying full time job with great people?
cool friends?
family and friends to move here?
money to help fund new experiences?
who knows. but these are my reoccurring thoughts and questions.
All i know is that i set out to have something different and achieve something more than what i had. if i turn back it won't be because i failed but because i have explored every avenue possible that could potentially make me happy and i have accepted that they won't.
i have tears running down my face and i still feel confused.
Saturday 17 May 2014
Tuesday 1 April 2014
Time to suck it up.
This morning i woke up determined to get shit done.
Reality has kicked in and i need to suck it up. So i made the call.
A call my mum won't support. But i don't care and can't afford to. Her "Wow, working in a call centre, great prospect and future *******" comments aren't going to pay next months rent.
So I phoned 24/7 direct - a call centre. Whats the big deal you may think, and rightly so. It isn't one. This frowned upon call centre offers what my cafe jobs don't. Guaranteed money, full time hours and an easy escape route. The only catch is to sell funeral insurance. To me this sounds exciting. Yeah maybe it might be the most unsellable product of all time where people on the receiving end won't be too happy to discuss but meh. 100 hang ups is better than mopping up pretentious coffee stains.
An appealing factor of this sort of work is i may get to use my "this is something i prepared earlier catch phrase lines."
"Why hello there, have you thought about what kind of debt you may leave on your kids when you die? What burden you will leave behind alongside your legacy? Don't let such thing tarnish your memory and find comfort in the idea that my call today may help your eulogy avoid being sprinkled with distaste. Its your lucky day because i can help you right now. Don't waste another 'dying' moment, because do i have the deal for you? As a proud embassador for Australia's most elite and supreme insurance company i can offer you sir, the deal of the day. You are one lucky person...."
I mean who wouldn't enjoy speaking a whole lot of bullshit to people who can't see you. Being able to entice people to such a fine product that some may think is unsellable is an opportunity not everyone will experience. That's what i think anyway.
Either way i have an online assessment tomorrow morning and i'm already smelling success. The idea of sitting on a seat without being told off for cleaning tables with an incorrect technique is attractive. And besides, my overall objective at this stage is to get some work within the television production industry. If i can earn some money and search simultaneously i may come out of this sane.
In other news being unemployed is pretty cool. I get to hang out with my favorite person and dig for music. What better way to spend my free time.
At the moment we are making a music mix. Its going splendidly apart from the fact what could take a day to collate and mix, is taking a little longer...
Anyway we are nearing the finish line.
Here's a littler taster.
Monday 31 March 2014
March 31st. Fuck.
Hi. Today i have created my first blog post.
I have decided to create a blog because writing in a diary scares me and what if someone finds it. Twitter is cool but i'm not smart enough to concise my thoughts into 60 characters. It also means my poor boyfriends ears can be somewhat salvaged from time to time and the strangers i over share my crap to on work trials can enjoy their coffee. And maybe for my mental health.
The date today is the 31st of March 2014. It is symbolic.
Symbolic for a number of reasons in fact.
One - being that i have been solidly unemployed in a full time role for 31 days in the month of March.
Two - tomorrow as we know it is April. Not only were you unemployed in January, February and March but April too may be dragged into account.
Thirdly- you have been paying rent in Melbourne, Australia for 8 months. By paying rent doesn't mean 'you' specifically have been paying rent of course. In fact you owe two months rent as you have had no job in the last four months. hmmm. awesome.
And fourth - it is 10 days after the last rent was paid. And 10 days closer to the next.
So today is special. Before i launch into my journey any further we should take a look back into how i am here today.
I am a new resident to Melbourne and i have been here since July last year. Before Christmas I worked at Trippy Taco and Rockwell and Sons. Both great eating places but to work - hmmm. A long with these two jobs i was tour managing a music group around Australia for 8 weeks over the weekends. I was lucky enough to fly all over the country and see places i would never have gone. Katoomba,Tawoomba, Darwin and Tasmania to name a few.
By November i was asked to give up my hat to Trippy Taco and told "lets scrap your shifts but keep in touch" by the other. So I was fired in the same week as the tour came to an end. The end of a four month era. I had flights booked for my brothers 21st so went back to NZ and overstayed. Good way to carry on the momentum one would say. Never to return again was the initial feeling that soon grew into a get me the fuck back. Now i'm back permanently to finish what i set out to achieve.
This time round has been started off well. By "well" i've had opportunities. So far I have had two unpaid work trials one which has been successful but promises 1-2 shifts a week and another i am waiting to hear back from. My boss is French and enjoys relaying orders to me with a certain finger click and tilt with her head. Fortunately i have a beautiful blonde haired mother, unfortunately she passed on to me a blonde streak however not with the hair color. Although carrying three plates and clearing tables of 8 at one time may not be my "forte" it seems to be an expectation or bench mark with hospo here in Melbourne. So 1 shift a week is really just someones way of fucking with me. For whatever reason i keep putting myself in ridiculous situations where i am out of my depth, so in order to change i need to eliminate these experiences. One thing i have learnt and should acknowledge is that Melbourne is a food place. So why i'm trying to work in hospitality with next to no experience is beyond me.
The other option is the ever-reliant Seek.com. Seek provides a platform for you to upload heartfelt cover letters and specifically tailored resumes to a pool of at least 300 other applicants where the employer uses key words to sift through the applicants.
I moved here to Melbourne in pursuit of a challenge and a change in a city that appears to promise creativity, culture, opportunities and fun. These things may be relevant however i think a more correct list of adjectives would have been "a whole bunch of unpaid work trials, expensive food and coffee and overpriced tram fines." We have been back and forth from NZ for a few times too many which i use as my excuse for a disruption in work and stability. Which in retrospect is a valid conclusion. Now that i am permanently based here one thing that needs to change is my attitude. This post has been created out of a newly developed bitterness which i hope evaporates by the end of the day.
As I am the only one that can only help myself.
I have decided to create a blog because writing in a diary scares me and what if someone finds it. Twitter is cool but i'm not smart enough to concise my thoughts into 60 characters. It also means my poor boyfriends ears can be somewhat salvaged from time to time and the strangers i over share my crap to on work trials can enjoy their coffee. And maybe for my mental health.
The date today is the 31st of March 2014. It is symbolic.
Symbolic for a number of reasons in fact.
One - being that i have been solidly unemployed in a full time role for 31 days in the month of March.
Two - tomorrow as we know it is April. Not only were you unemployed in January, February and March but April too may be dragged into account.
Thirdly- you have been paying rent in Melbourne, Australia for 8 months. By paying rent doesn't mean 'you' specifically have been paying rent of course. In fact you owe two months rent as you have had no job in the last four months. hmmm. awesome.
And fourth - it is 10 days after the last rent was paid. And 10 days closer to the next.
So today is special. Before i launch into my journey any further we should take a look back into how i am here today.
I am a new resident to Melbourne and i have been here since July last year. Before Christmas I worked at Trippy Taco and Rockwell and Sons. Both great eating places but to work - hmmm. A long with these two jobs i was tour managing a music group around Australia for 8 weeks over the weekends. I was lucky enough to fly all over the country and see places i would never have gone. Katoomba,Tawoomba, Darwin and Tasmania to name a few.
By November i was asked to give up my hat to Trippy Taco and told "lets scrap your shifts but keep in touch" by the other. So I was fired in the same week as the tour came to an end. The end of a four month era. I had flights booked for my brothers 21st so went back to NZ and overstayed. Good way to carry on the momentum one would say. Never to return again was the initial feeling that soon grew into a get me the fuck back. Now i'm back permanently to finish what i set out to achieve.
This time round has been started off well. By "well" i've had opportunities. So far I have had two unpaid work trials one which has been successful but promises 1-2 shifts a week and another i am waiting to hear back from. My boss is French and enjoys relaying orders to me with a certain finger click and tilt with her head. Fortunately i have a beautiful blonde haired mother, unfortunately she passed on to me a blonde streak however not with the hair color. Although carrying three plates and clearing tables of 8 at one time may not be my "forte" it seems to be an expectation or bench mark with hospo here in Melbourne. So 1 shift a week is really just someones way of fucking with me. For whatever reason i keep putting myself in ridiculous situations where i am out of my depth, so in order to change i need to eliminate these experiences. One thing i have learnt and should acknowledge is that Melbourne is a food place. So why i'm trying to work in hospitality with next to no experience is beyond me.
The other option is the ever-reliant Seek.com. Seek provides a platform for you to upload heartfelt cover letters and specifically tailored resumes to a pool of at least 300 other applicants where the employer uses key words to sift through the applicants.
I moved here to Melbourne in pursuit of a challenge and a change in a city that appears to promise creativity, culture, opportunities and fun. These things may be relevant however i think a more correct list of adjectives would have been "a whole bunch of unpaid work trials, expensive food and coffee and overpriced tram fines." We have been back and forth from NZ for a few times too many which i use as my excuse for a disruption in work and stability. Which in retrospect is a valid conclusion. Now that i am permanently based here one thing that needs to change is my attitude. This post has been created out of a newly developed bitterness which i hope evaporates by the end of the day.
As I am the only one that can only help myself.
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